Good and bad times of my life

Self-esteem and pride

2011-05-20T02:27:00.009+08:00

For today, i went out with my sister for a movie and there's a group of Indonesian kept kicking our chair. it was so unpleasant that me and my sister lost our temper in our own way, she moved to another chair while i punch the my sister's chair that has been constantly kicked. the rage goes on until the movie finishes and i still in rage. punch any wall or door from time to time. I.am.angry.

The rage pent up inside me so much that i won't hesitate to pick a fight with them, 5 of them. i don't care, i just wish to punch them until they bleed. What's more, i didn't even consider what problems i could bring to my sister if things go wrong.

6 hours has passed from the ordeal and my heart is still beating fast from the rage. What is it that made me so angry? how is it that the action of these people affect me and letting me drag them as a burden until i'm sick?

As i go back from a family dinner i spoke to my mother as i asked for apology in case my action or countenance affects the night. Fortunately, she said i did nothing..though she do feel that there's something wrong with me... from the inside.

Every time i had any problems i went to talk to her for comfort,wisdom and solution.yet the same mistake occurs over and over again. I possessed an extremely bad temper that has been kept years ago. No matter how much i go to her, how many time would i still be able to ask for forgiveness in the future? when she is gone from this world, how can i cleanse my guilt?

'Instead of asking forgiveness after you done something and feel guilty about it, next time don't do anything that would made you feel guilty' she said without me asking the question.

We as a human think logically when our mind in s good state, but if similar situation occurs again... how can we keep ourselves cool and composed to think thing through? honestly every time my mom talked to me i felt better yet the root of the problem never go away.... my pride,guilt,bitterness and vanity linger inside me, to a degree that i'm not who i used to be.. caring,compassionate and kind.

Where's the old me? the good me? i've been asking that from time to time.. yet answers always slip from the tip of my finger... so near, yet so far..

Then my mom told me this,

'One cannot give what one doesn't have. don't tell me if i don't have milo i'll offer milo to our guest??'

I always remember that but only today i know what my mom really meant..

Put it in a way.. if i don't have love,compassion or kindness in me, how on earth i can give my people around me what i wish to offer? what i have inside my heart now is nothing but bitterness and pride.. that's what i felt.

Yes... I've stopped going to church for few years now. but i could still remember that.. the sensation that can make me cry every time i go there.. is it love? or is it acceptance?...maybe it is. and i'm lack of it... I turned to be a proud person without consider what others feel. i became so self-conscious that I would push others down just to put myself up. Is that pride or is that confidence? surely my friend. it's obvious.

Then again, how do you know that you're confident rather than being prideful? how is it to reach for the sky without hurting someone subconsciously? what can we do,with all we can to, fly and reach for the sky along with others and having the best of both worlds?

No answer can describe perfectly. With this situation that my mom gave would give us enough hint of what is it.

'When one person who possessed a great self-esteem approached a waiter, he/she would address the waiter by name rather than a title. They do not go around calling the waiter "hello miss, OI MISS" or even worse, snaps finger. Neither they would show a pompous way of speech, "eh mister, can u take my luggage inside or not?" but would carry the conversation as if they are a friend of us'. As my mother explained to me.

'Hi _____,would you be so kind to lend a hand to carry these luggages with me? i would appreciate it greatly'

So is this any difference? some say no but i'm sure there are would say yes. it's true! both IS the same.At least, just from the outside. the purpose or message is the same, what differs is the emotion contained inside the speech.

Then again, how could we bring forth different emotion? that's where the difference of pride and self-esteem comes in,

self-esteem:

1.a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.)-dictionary

2. possession of respect towards oneself and others - to my own understanding

pride:

1.thinking very highly of oneself (i found it in the word boastful, but prideful is a synonym of this word)

well... sometimes we do judge others both in our mind and heart..

arrogance isn't you. alright~ ;)

As the difference i see in this context, the only difference between both self-esteem and prideful ( i won't use the word pride since it does hold a positive meaning into it) is that people with self-esteem have the understanding to care about others while those who is prideful only cares about themselves.

Through a looong road back to what the main subject is; what's the difference? well, we can just scroll all the way down to see the meaning or we can join the journey of knowing it. sometimes summary never include the body, which is important to understand, as we are creatures who learn though understanding, not remember it alone..

So... what am i supposed to do? honestly it's hard for me to say so.. yet i'll take one step at a time.. I will take off my pride, and replace it with self-esteem first.. that's the first thing.. and my dear readers, u can follow me if you feel u have a same situation:

1.i will greet waiter with their name only if they have a name tag (that's what name tags are for LOL XD) to show respect to THEM and their JOB.

remember, people might throw rubbish in your house..it's up to you to take it out or to leave it there.. nobody can do anything to you without your permission :D

As i type this, i feel much better..but the rage have been lifted off from my mother's advice.. not through writing here.. since what i wish is to channel the positivity rather than recording the negativity.. you can feel it.

Matthew 11:28-29,

" come to me all you who labour and are heavily burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls"

P.S. before i talked to my mom i felt a mixture of rage and guilt in me, as of having burden inside me. I put this scripture to know that i find God though my mom. and He took me from my burden. Amen.

would you choose to mould yourself for others or despite what others think?

2010-12-15T12:30:00.003+08:00

that phrase sums up quite a lot when we all truly knows which is the better ones. yet again, have you ever back down from society for those people? choosong not to explore yourself from the fear of rejection and humiliation. without a doubt that people do come and go, but those who leaves footprints aren't the good ones. sadly, those screwed up legs do smear in your heart.

everyday when u forced yourself to meet these people for your daily routine... no make that a chore, going through the same cycle of hatred that boils up in me when a gleeful smile sticks on my face like a cement. good thing is, that mask wears off when i go back to the place where love is always there for me.

i'm not going to lie to myself when it is not a secret that even my school life ends my deep hatred to all the people in my school still couldn't subside. those people, cloaked their words and face with such caring facade for their own sakes.. why the hell... why the hell must they smear my life that way? when u helped someone despite of what they think of you seems to be YOU better than them. I don't deny that but i'm also not going to deny the fact that not feeling appreciated or even respect for what i did feels like i'm more of a sucker.

what i'm afraid isn't them but the effect they gave onto me. i have become introverted then ever, having issues on trusting people. Honestly, i scared to move on with my life.... knowing that i might face them or these kind of people once more.. that i will stop choosing to improve myself and rot like this journey.. that's the only thing that i feared..right here..right now..

when i look back now, i can see if i didn't take the step of letting them mould me, i would strife higher, stronger and mightier..

all in all... this chapter of my life ends now.. partly relieved that it has ended but partly sad that i didn't end it my way... haha, funny to think of that.

he close the door that cannot open yet he opens the door no one can close.

2010-09-08T20:17:00.002+08:00

the Lord helped me today.. even though i prayed my car to broke down at my car but he did something better.. he stopped me right around the cornerof my friend's house and helped me.. if i were to be a lillte bit further or sooner i won't be able to fix it ;)). it might not be the prayer i prayed but it helped.

what am i doing?

2010-02-10T01:08:00.004+08:00

looking back, looking up. i've improved myself with the time i have been granted. shedding tears is a norm for a drop or 2 will make me feel up and calm.

the sensation of your blood pumping, muscles contract, head and neck is burning hot, a little blood stream throbbing my head as if it wanna burst out. isn't that the sensation of fear? then what do i fear?....

where is that warm light of ignorance that used to shine onto me? why is it been clouded by hurt and betrayal and discrimination? all i ever wished to be is to smile...with hopes and dreams...

why...WHY?? these high times there are surely people who will come and ruin the parade of life??

what i did is out of peer pressure..and i have to taste the medicine of the knife in the back...
finally! the times i can stand by my OWN 2 feet. i burn the past. i accepted the present...and because of that, i fear what the future will hold.

though complain how suckish my life is, i got to get hold of myself. even something as simple as attending the academy is a challenge to me...those..those sinister mask...that..actors of life...

times when you see the beauty inside the mask is the thing that keeps me moving on..those smiles...those laughter... oh how i'm happy to receive that reward...

keep smiling...for it is the mask you can wore...to achieve the greatness of life...there's no one except yourself who know how you look like...

i dont want to give up on myself...but i cannot face the lies of the world...pathetic being on earth...choose how you feel and you'll calm yourself..

do i have to lie to myself? to avoid the fact of life?i musn't...but i have to...look inside me...i've used my courage to burn courage...there nothing sane inside of me...nothing but me weakness...tender-heartedness that even sympathize my own ordeal.

with exchanging courage for a inner beast to roam inside me...that i cannot allow myself to do it...i just need a fragment of that essence... i wanna take control of my own life..without letting it to control me...for my beast inside...lies a murderous destruction....

oh how amusing life is... avoids the ecstacy of happiness to stay away a uncontrolled emotions...i would even suggest if happiness is in food pyramid,surely sugar would be it's metaphor...for it's good for a little but hazardous to the immense amount.

struggling... T.T

2010-01-14T16:39:00.003+08:00

i would never thought that i will write this down. but...

when i started my form 6 (a.k.a. pre-u) i had this feeling that this will be a bed of roses,a piece of cake because what i had felt at that time seems to be great. i made new friends, thinner, and...cheerful.

but everything started to crumbling like a stack of dominoes...

i went on a relationship with a classmate, at first i thought we both have it click. she is the first one to talk to me (well, since I'm an asst.monitor and she's my superior and all). and.. i seldom been crazy to a girl until she came. we could chat every single day, laugh at each others jokes.. until we decided to get steady. from that time things went downhill..

during that time, we asked too much from each other. and not to mention it's hard for me to communicate with my classmates anymore. i often find myself to be lonely in the class, not being able to ask my classmates anything.

as the story goes on.. we went to the same clubs and stuff. and in rovers there's a time that the club were trying to host a campfire. things went well but not for me.. initially an emcee but they don't need more than 2 so I'm not needed due to the lack of.. character.

after that case, my relationship with her has gone from bad to worst. what i said to her that i felt sad that most of the time she was mixing with her mates while i am just a by-stander..i discussed this to her but she refer it as scold. i really didn't mean to hurt her at all, i just thought that couples should be frank.(guess that doesn't apply to the reality)

after 3 months(yes, only 3 months) since we met. things finally broke off. it was then October. but even now, new year has passed and 3 more months has passed. I'm still...struggling.struggling to keep my composure, my emotions and my LIFE.

it had shot me right through the chest to a degree until one of my close friends gotten fed up with me, i couldn't go to school, my academics is deteriorating, and... an outcast.

even now, i went to school, feeling sad and lonely. i didn't feel like i belong there. but i do have my priority to study....but..it's so hard... :(

it's hard until every time, minutes, I'm thinking something that i shouldn't been thinking of. i just want all to explode.. cry, hitting something, or punching the wall, i don't care. i just want this load of me to take off...

I'm keeping this for whatever reason i don't know.. i just don't want people to look as me as weak..but at the same time i know i need a shoulder to cry on..

there's only as much that a family could help, i do appreciate them but they just told me to quit if it's too hard. it's not running away that i want, but is pulling me through this ordeal that i need right now.

some say love..

2010-01-10T15:56:00.002+08:00

there are times when no words can convey what you felt. only song would be a window to your soul trapped with emotions..

trip to sabah (16th march 2009)

2009-04-29T15:55:00.016+08:00

at last! the second day in haven ^^

this should be promising for the most interesting day of the trip (i kid you not.)

the sun has risen to greet us with soothing sunlight and invigorating air that dances around us. well not literally but..you get what i mean. =="

morning sun that is approaching.. this is a nice view....as if there's a UFO just above of us lol

another great scenery as if the clouds are also descent and slept with us and wake up again to shield us...or pour us with rain ^^

apparently our neighbor mr.bird has fly out and find his breakfast. well like they say 'early birds get the worm'. just hope they won't give that to us as welcoming gift..

Frankly the air is actually fresh that you would feel rejuvenated after a night's sleep. It is something that city area will never have because of the pollution ( after all this IS similar to retreat area....or maybe it is).

So after savoring the scenery and the air i planned to go and take a bath. one thing i learned is : NEVER BUY A WATER HEATER WITH THE ANTI-SCALD LABEL!
this happen when i opened the water heater. Even though i put the heater to the max it's still cold! Anti-scald... better change the name to anti-fun better (-_-)

Well enough for the bath stuff. It's not like i posed some picture of me while I'm bathing, that should be sick with the capital S-I-C-K, and people will start storming this incident similar to the Hong Kong actor's scandal.

Kidding aside, i prepared myself to go and have breakfast. Unfortunately no family breakfast for today because my sister need to go back to the camp to get involve with some program. Which mean as a big-sized little bro i need to accompany her go while i told my mom to get my breakfast a take away.

here the front of our chalet. since it's bright and sunny i thought i might take the pictures!

that's her camp!

as i reach to the camp. not only her friends greet us but also a few four legged wonders ^^. here even the pet are much friendlier.. weird.... maybe it's the air lol.

so when my sis go and have her quiet time with God (so does her friend) , apparently i found a very unusual spider near the balcony. i kid you not, it is special!

this is the eight-legged rare thing i was talking about

after escorting the lady i walked back to the chalet and took my breakfast while looking at the majestic view that Sabah can offer (looking at it even makes my digestion work faster. haha!)

my mom posing for the view

here's me.. vainly enough to pose for you guys

so after filling my stomach, me and my mom planned to go to my sister's camp again.

here some wild flowers that we've spotted while we're on our way there. pretty amazing if you ask me O.o

as you can see, the place's kinda under develop and muddy (see my shoe and you know it) and yea i pose this without knowing about how my body look so please try not to laugh.=="

here's the front yard

a great view that i couldn't just NOT to take a picture of it ^^

after we've arrived, my mom talk about enzyme (the most effective cleaning agent that you can make by your own) and me playing with a cat (i was bored okay??)

Well let's jump to afternoon (after all, by the time we're back it's almost 12 o'clock) my and my mom get ready and planned to go to the town area (this should be nice right??)

(mostly in this session i'll just dump a hellotta pictures for you guys. faster, easier and give you reader a time to rest from reading)

first stop: centre point
statement :similar to penang's prangin mall.

after this we decided to stop for some coconut water. and one thing surprises me is that, when the first store don't have thing type we wanted, he unselfishly told us the the next stall would have it. no competition among the merchants and also no selfish in them too.. that's how malaysian should be, not the kia su (scared of losing) type

okay... nothing much here. just to show my eye piece..and also little bit vain ^^". also this is the place i have my coconut juice with my mom

second stop: Philippine market (it is somehow call that way due to the philippines that lives there
well,Philippines and Sabah are pretty close i guess.. *nods*)
statement: bargain is the ONLY way for you to get cheap stuffs here!
tips for bargain: -Be friendly to the seller!
-Buy in bulk! (the more the cheaper!)
-Never be scared to put your best price!
-suggest the price lower than you wanted. later slowly talk about it!

more or less it is a VERY small place. i had my problem getting through..not because i'm fat. seriously!

here's the one my mom bought a bunch of loads of humongous stuff here (and from that lady.)

third stop : Jetty port
statement: nothing much. Just think that the view is nice ^^

sky's blue, ocean's blue, even my pant's blue!

last stop: 1borneo
statement: hyper mall, no difference than Queensbay mall.

i have a queer feeling that my mom is more photogenic than me..lol

siaw er... if tranlate to penang dialect is se ji (beware..) WHAT KIND OF SHOP THAT CALL YOU TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU EAT THEIR FOOD??

actually about shopping malls, you see them once, you've see them all (==")

so as the day ends, i bought myself nothing but a slipper and a sunglasses (i'm not vain! just the sun's bright!)

feels like taking this go back... you think they'll know?

treat ourselves some dinner at the same place (actually it's the only place we can order food though )

day 2. finished!

after an exciting day, this is our fuel! lol (^^)

P.S. the coming day will be more relaxing . come here of course must relax. That's the main reason. Muahahaha!!

trip to sabah (15th march 2009)

2009-03-21T12:26:00.014+08:00

this is a long blog so i will write my entire trip each day by each blog so that it is more entertaining and elaborate ^^

so... i woke up at 3 in the morning because i can't sleep at all (tried to get myself awake so that i can sleep on the plane lol).then i get myself prepared by writing down all the things i need so that there won't be any inconveniences while we're at Sabah.

so we went to the airport with the help of my mom's friend by fetching us go at 8 in the morning.

have breakfast at mcD in the airport. the airport is kinda cool in the morning so my face is kinda sleepyhead type..

people busy putting the stuff while i did a candid of them..muahahaha!!

about 9.30 we go to take our plane and started to embrace the 3 hour of boredom. so instead of doing nothing so i actually sleep for half an hour (like that would help to pass the time..a LOT).

enjoying the scene...

funny thing is, when i wanted to go to the toilet (for the first time in the plane!) and get this... i ACTUALLY FORGOT TO LOCK THE DAMN DOOR! and i tell you i'm freakin' lucky that it was a guy who opened it.. if it's a girl, not only i'll lose my virginity BUT it'll also cause a stir in the plane from her scream (lmao!)

fortunately the plane arrived 20 minutes earlier which is at 12.45. got our bags and waiting for a driver to pick us up. and so, started to wait for the driver until 1.45 (which mean.. for about half hour minus all the time we got our luggage.)

waiting for luggage...

the airport.. more like a shopping mall to me =.="

the 'mall' again..

so the 'car' came! not the stretch limo with all glossy and top it off with 2 bottle of moet& chandon champagne but a SUV land rover with our own drinks!(lol) you'll know why they use it later.

the one's driving is Rex and the back is my mom. chatting away with somebody.

the driver's name happens to be Rex. he is a great guy who speaks fluent english (similar to Jason Lo of latte @ 8) and he's really good to tell us all about sabah which is :

-is known as rainforest city
-also known as nature city.

-the natives in sabah have a day where the villagers (maybe also some city residents) gathered together and enjoy the fermented wine (ooo... think of snake wine, caterpilliar,scorpions..etc)
-their vegetation is also held at the mountain top. (cold weather is great for vegetables like cabbage and stuff)

AND the reason for the 4-wheel drive is:

-only 30% of the road is covered with asphalt(tar) while others is covered with uneven concrete, sand, etc etc....

the home of the orang asli (original man... wait? even human are pirated now??...i think hell just frozen over my joke.. =.=")

nothing much.. just to show that there they got hypermall ... even bigger than us

THIS is disturbing. smiling fish brand (O.o)... the fish is dead in a can.. how can it even labelled smiling?? those sadistic businessman...

if you happy and you know it, turn to the left!

if you happy and you know it, turn to the right!

if you happy and you know and you really wanna show it if you happy and you know it, turn to the left!!

left!!..again..

when will this turning stop??????

it's stopped!! YES! yahoo!!

here's the counter ^^

the lobby

view from the room

upon arriving to the chalet which stated 200 meters above sea level (i think that's how it measured) we have gone into our room. it was raining but the view is still visble.

from the trip i decided to rest while my mom decided to follow my sister to go to her camp.

from here i rest on the bed while the raindrops falling on our roof( dum dum de dum de dum...)

night time..kinda blur but at least you can roughly see it

my sis and my mom

NOTE: this is my BIG sister. don't get confused by the size! lol

after that 3 of us planned to have dinner (very sad to say that i forgot to take the picture of it!) while suddenly we saw Mr. CK Tan who is the person that handles the chalet (also the person who started KFC chain in sabah)

my mom chatted with him while i'm pigging out ^^

that's the first day of my trip! lol

disatisfaction has no different feeling as suicide

2008-12-10T21:30:00.009+08:00

this might be a crappy forum because i don't even know what i'm talking about..

from the day i entered to the life of secondary school i have no satisfaction in me although a lot of things i've done and it seems good to me...but was it?

i kept thinking of everything about me..who i really am? what am i doing here? who is my friend? where do i belong??

nevertheless, i usually have a feeling that i'm in the second trial of wisdom.. where for me, first is usually absorbing all the things you know( phase of bed of roses). Then, it come the time when you need to learn the bad thing of the world in order to survive such as deception,backstabbing and losing someone is something common (now the thorn of the roses has revealed)..

the third? well it is the true wisdom, whereby you are not depend on knowledge of others or the dark ones.. it's simply a simple thing knowledge where it hold all the necessity of you to be..a human.

road towards wisdom it's like you need to walk a big round turn to find the true way of wisdom whereby it's really as simple as knowledge the beginning.But then, you must walk the road in order to find it..sometime ignorance is bliss huh? just don't think and enjoy the life..but once you've started to walk the road of seeking wisdom you are already step by step farther away from the truth and you need to overcome all the trials and obstacle just to go back the very same spot.

normally if you compare us to the civilisation of the past as in..the victorian era, you can see their way of thinking, not closed! but somehow... mannered...
the men dress as elegent as the ladies.. the women has all the manners and etiquettes to be..a lady

but how about now?? the world is simply upside down! most of the evil people triumph and good ones are stomped upon! the world is turning upside down! though i quite believe of what my friend said :
'in order to success sometime you need to cheat, and these day cheater are the winners.not the straight ones..'

do you really disagree on the phrase?? tell me, without putting your mask on..without acting what the world taught you to say..without being a hero...

why i said i'm disatisfied? i tell you. for a person like me who only wish to help others, they think i am a PATHETIC MORON WHO PIN POINT THEIR MISTAKES WHILE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GOING THROUGH!

how about this? when you're think you're close to that person but in the end your relationship is not as close as you think of?? you've helped them and at that moment they appreciated it but how about 2days later?? hey! it'll be like they think it as nothing! they go back to walk on their journey like nothing just happened!

i don't about you guys but..i've had enough.. right now even though i've voiced out into the cyber world and i felt better.. but there is something in my soul that contaminates me until i cannot released it..is it that i'm bitter? i think i am..is it i'm unrecognised? i don't know..

do you often have a feeling that sometime words of wisdom could help you but in reality it doesn't really help when you're IN that situation? i know i do...
'life is unfair, deal with it' by Bill Gates himself..
i thought i can hold onto myself everytime if i think of that word, but i'm soo wrong.. the party i went i got some problems with my friend as in they are having fun and i'm not.. though some asked me whether i'm ok or not and i couldn't feel the care they have.. maybe i lack of mutual understanding..

and now i'm feeling sad because of it.. i'm feeling guilty because i never know that there is someone beside me..

sometimes becoming an unsung hero is a hard lot. nobody will know what you do until you are gone..
see shakespeare.. he is never rich although his literature is a masterpiece but only when he died people only recognised his talent.. and now all his legacy is a guide to us..

now i just feel sad.. i felt like people is using me. my friends never actually respect me but..use me..
sorrow have overcome my happiness, hatred has overcome my love, disappointment has overcome my hope..
well family is what i have and that's what i'm fortunate. but one day if i need to stand on my own and cannot have my family to support me.. who will i lean on?

when i'll turn back to my circle? when i'll be back to my very place?? when i'll be arrive to the third stage of wisdom.. hopefully i need to hang on until the moment arrive.. just hope i can manage before i took the alternative..

if anybody of you guys want to discuss about my attitude please do. maybe i need feedbacks.. kinda pathetic huh?

Jeremy Thoo's farewell party

2008-06-04T14:29:00.005+08:00

this event would be somewhere april if i'm not mistaken...

Jeremy thoo’s farewell....

Firstly it is sad for our class when Jeremy announced that he will go to Dubai because of his father’s work. So in order to preserve a memory between him and the classmates we decided to make a farewell party for our dear friend.

So the road of the farewell party begins…

It is Friday that Jeremy’s farewell party held. So after the school all of us were getting prepared for the party where it will be held in the golden steamboat (you know the one behind the Burma Road ‘Giant’ supermarket). So I have planned to wear formal attire where it is consist of a black collar-shirt and jeans (just wear smart). Then I suggested this idea to my friend (about the formal attire) and one of they says that I’m crazy because that place is very hot (and you know how hot if you’ve been there). But hey, think that it is to respect Jeremy right?

So after finished preparing I went to meet some of my friends at Prangin Mall at 4p.m. to buy some farewell present for the man of the day. Some of my friend chipped in to buy a bear(small one of course) for him while I chipped in with my friend Chee Ming to buy a piggy snowball (for he is a guy who like cute stuff and I won’t say that he is girlish.. you’ll see for yourself).

After that I went to laconic (accessory shop) and met Andrew or Poh Choy and let him fix my hair to a better shape (for he has an ambition of being a hairstylist). And let me tell you that his work is amazing where he kept putting all the spray, wax and cream onto my hair. Even when I went back home I felt reluctant to wash it off (hehe ;) )

At 6.30p.m. we wait for others at the New World Park and chat for a while waiting for the rest to arrive to the designated location.

we all pose siao !! see my perverted face? yea!! that's one!!

At 7p.m. all of our classmates and Jeremy walked to the restaurant and have our farewell dinner at there. We have lots of fun while eating as we joke and play around as to say enjoyed to the peak. We ate non-stop and walk around to eat other dishes my friends cooked. It is a good thing that we have the table at second floor because we can feel it that it is our world and we don’t need to care what other people would think about our actions.

kenny khoo and me_hantu minyak kurus and hantu minyak gemuk ^^

you cannot see me inside..you know why? i like a ghost~ fly here and there to take foods!!! then cannot fly already 'cause too heavy!!!

After the dinner we took picture with all of our classmates and the man of the night: Jeremy Thoo. After taking the pictures most of us bid Jeremy with a warm hug and some memorable words (e.g. take care, remember us, we’ll keep contact with each other). I felt kind of emotional and almost shed tears when I hug him and give him some emotional words (even though we’re not really a close friends…maybe that’s what people say even a smallest puzzle plays a important part in our lives)

our class photo :gila and lala pose!!

this is fun pose!! see my sexy body!!!!

my friends is a crazy ones!! see me?

After the night all of us bid him farewell and some of us went to the New World Park again to stroll around so that we won’t feel too full. Some of us stayed there and walk when we arrive and some went to a cyber café (as you know why).

all of us bidding jeremy goodbye at outside

This really makes me think that when some of the puzzles in our life(friends and family) has gone no matter how important they are we will feel the pain of losing someone in our life… maybe this is to show to me that we all need to cherish the people around you no matter how close you are with them….

the journey of the public speaking national level

2008-03-16T17:02:00.002+08:00

my journey of public speaking never ends after the competition...

it seems that i got top 3 in that competition (and it is really simple..trust me) and the teacher ask 3 of us to participate the national level (WTF??!!)...
i was like..' man... i had enough and she tell me to participate again?!!'

as i reluctantly say yes.. and she told me to go to the workshopwhich cost rm20 (good thing she paid or else i won't even bothered to go)

as i went to the workshop i was flabbergasted! about 60+ people went there so i was quite intimidated...

there are 3 mbsians only so only me and chee siong stick together only saundra (if i'm noy mistaken with her name..) went to mix with her new friend since she didn't saw us ^^

as the workshop has done i go home with stress and headache..ouch...

lastly i didn't prepare the speech until the very last day and in late at night!! it was like... 11-12 hours before the competition!! i was like...aargh!!!!!!
without any further procastination i just scribble whateer shit i can think of into the paper!!
but as i was doing it i slept! (OH SHEAT!!!)

well.. it is the time for me to face the music... it is time for the competition...*shudder*

me and vern lim arrive there at 7.45 where we think that the competition starts at
8 (too nervous!!).... well at least i can finish my speech...

it is 9.am... I'M SO FREAKIN' NERVOUS!!!!

i went into the big lecture hall which is the same as the one in the workshop...
as i went in, the crew said that i didn't have my name in the list. eh? didn't the teacher handles everything?? why my name is not in there? argh!!!! need to pay RM10!!!!! screw you teachers!!!!

well next i went in. guess what? there are less than 20 contestant there!! i was like "WOOHOO!!!!"

then it started... i was the ninth contestant so it is quite ok because we do the speech one by one into the other room (that is not the big hall wan). it is similar to malaysian idol:2 judges and a timekeeper so i'm quite relax little bit.
when it is my turn, i was so nervous but when i went into the room i was totally relieved because it is so... large! nobody in it!! i delivered my speech without any nervous (hahahaha!!!!!!!)

and then it is the impromptu speech and i got 'local talent'.. i was like.. whud?!!!
so within 3 minute i need to deliver a speech..again (of course after some rest la..)

after that me and all my new found friends (which only 2!) went to the cafeteria together and eat and believe it or not i ate the least (it can't be helped when you filled you stomach with all the nervous tension!!)

after that..again, they announce the semi-finalist! and i didn't get it (you do know why right?)
well i was quite relieved because i didn't even have time to prepare for it! so i just sit there and listened the finalist to deliver their speech which the title is 'if i could change the world'

as it went on it was fascinating! the way they talk, their content and their body language... OH MY GOSH they're good!! if you hear them speak you'll be thinking 'wow, they do have what it takes to be the finalist!'

well at the end they didn't announce the winner because they need to send it to KL to round up all the marks. ^^

even though i didn't chosen to be the finalist but i feel like a winner inside . this is because that i have overcome my fear of doing something that i THINK that i cannot do! i can do it because i have supports from my friends,family and of course, God. all that is left is a faith in myself.. i have it so that's why i feel like a winner!!

thus, the journey of public speaking national level has ended..
by Matthew Tan

P.S. sorry J.R. Tolkien (i think i spelled the name wrong...)

english week

2008-02-23T20:43:00.004+08:00

well today i would to talk about my school's English week.. maybe that i involve a lot in it such as the public speaking and the mbs idol (yes., i went there..)

the first day... i got nothing to do because my public speaking and singing competition falls on wednesday and thursday

okie.. let us forward ourself to go to wednesday and thursday

wednesday..
today we have the public speaking competition! i am so excited because i can't wait to go out and talk non-stop (muahaha!!)
well the topic is "academic result is insufficient to build a model student and they need sportmanship and gentlemen"
well it is quite ok and i think i gotten 3rd for it (well it is kinda easy because all you need to be top 3 is NOT to read at the paper! (so i think it is quite easy la..)

thursday..
well this is the day for the MBS idol!!!! this week i'll be singing '4 season of loneliness' by boyz-II-men!!!
what's interesting is... i can sing! evem though i'm not really i the top 6 because of the microphone problem (really wan!) ..
but...
when i'm singing.. chooi leong came and rooting for me! at last the leader of siao kia has came!!
the place is starting to heat up!! even though i'm singing a sad and lonely song but he still can manage to make it alive! truthfully i join this just because i want to make a preparation before the REAL DEAL at the cross country race! imagine the whole school is watching you do siao thing!! FUN!!!!!

well that's it for the english week!!

i was thought as a trash!

2008-01-20T01:06:00.002+08:00

this week happens quite a lot of bad thing more than good things.. maybe that why people say life's a hell.. more bad thing happen to you then a good ones.... AND that's why people say to enjoy your happy moments because it happens not frequently ^^

well at Friday i was playing basketball after all the strenuous exercise!!! all the pumping and running (not to mention lifting myself up with a monkey bar!) ... i will never forget about it...

so i was saying, when we're picking to split ourselves to 2 teams for the game, kee wai (whom is a materialistic guy) suggest that we play 4 out of 5. after he pick everybody and left me be the fifth one. then they was discussing who will take the fifth person ( i wasn't quite agitated just yet...)

then i happened, kee wai said ' aiya never mind wan lar! we 4 can beat you 5 so i just give matt to you lor!not to say have him only can win!!'

i don't know that i'm emotional or not but i never been treated this low before! who am i? his toy or what?! just throw me and use me whenever he want??!! he didn't raise me or give me any money and how dare he said that to me???!!!!

as the game goes on i' m in a very bad mood and really wanna smash him until i even shout at my friend which i really don't want to.... he is not wrong but i shout at him but he didn't shout at me back..( i really feel bad about it... very sorry about that jeremy cheah... my bad...)

then game ends, i walk to my class alone and very hurt and angry until one of my friends talk to me and then tears keep rolling down my cheeks as we talk about it....

i thought kee wai became friends with me for who i am but i was wrong..
when we went to the KL trip he didn't even want to hang out with me and some of my classmates but hanging out with a bunch of guys just because they know some girls...(we even plan to stick together before we go to the the trip! maybe the bonding isn't strong enough for him to hold the temptation of a better quality..)

then i don't care about it too much and when we've arrive to sunway pyramid, i was walking and searching some gifts for my uncle's birthday present. after i got it i just hang around alone until i saw kee wai and his gang again. he didn't even notice me! but then...
as i met him again soon after, his group want to go somewhere else and the guys and the girl split and do things of their own... of course that perverted bastard followed the girls until a moment the girl need to go somewhere else and he don't want don't follow (maybe going to buy under garments..) and suddenly he came to me and talk like nothing happened between both of us(!maybe he's just too retarded to realise).... fuck that guy! to think that he can just come and talk and hang out with me like nothing happened? what the fuck??!!

until for some period he saw his group again and then he just disappeared and flew to them and kiss their asses!!

damn that fucking guy... if you couldn't describe him as a materialistic motherfucker i don't know how i can describe him anymore....
maybe when you search into the dictionary years to come, you'll find that fucking guy's face in the word 'materialistic'... fuck that guy big..

my subconcious breakthrough

2008-01-09T22:56:00.000+08:00

when the first week of the school starts ( that is the monday one... not the thursday one..) the schoolwork keep pouring out like an overflowing water! a lot of teachers give us tons of homework especially add math and math (which is the same teacher) that is ting ping ping! (i know it sounds funny but it really is! even the whole school was laughing when a teacher is calling her name!! that would make anybody hide in a dark room!)

as i was saying about my 'breakthrough' is that i managed to finish it all!! for me i rather think that it is miracle because i never have my work done before!! (maybe is the cutting... even it doesn't train my physical i think it has trained my mentality! hahaha!!!)

so i was saying, i am so surprised that i have adapt this habit! when i'm n rookie in secondary i never finish one book in my exercise (even maths!!)

maybe i seriously think that i this is the last year for me to study so i think it's time to unleash what i'm really capable of in study from all these 4 years of slacking off! i even took my teacher's advice and that is write your own results!! she say it can subconsciously drive you to study and if you not you'll feel veerrryyy guilty.. muahaha..(i think it is just like a subconscious torture hahaha!!!)

so this would be a great day for me because now i have already planned my time to study,have fun and be crazy!! haha!! i hope i could do this sooner!! ^^

my gothic life

2008-01-05T04:17:00.000+08:00

ever since last year i have gotten interest in goth arts.. and i'm not meaning that becoming a cult or antichrist and oppose christian...

first things first, Gothic and emo is NOT THE SAME!

EMO :Close enough to punk and rock Emo is now know for it's more emotional state of mind. Instead of the anger hard-core way of expressing one-self , Emo (short for emotional) has taken a new tole on the twentieth century of expressing yourself.

GOTHIC:Goth in its simplest form, is a subculture. A group of people who feel comfortable within each others company. There is no specific thing that defines what you need to do or be to fit into the goth scene (except of course the implied black clothing). People in the goth scene all have different musical tastes, follow different religions, have different occupations, hobbies, and fashion sense.

now get what emo and Gothic really is? if not maybe this picture can help you :

goth:

emo:

now i hope you get what i mean and lastly I''M NOT AN EMO!

after what i have done last year (as in cutting myself) my friends kept calling me an emo and i seriously don't like it.. i am a goth and that's all i am... even though i don't have any clothes to express myself as a goth....

why i say myself as a goth? well i cannot stand with a lot of crowds, i just like to be in a little group, i like their fashion sense because i have a deep love on medieval fashion such as queen victoria generation and lastly i find that evanescence's song is very meaningful...even when i'm still a child...

the reason i want to become goth is i feel there is something in there for me..like i was belong to there for some reason.. people always think that goth supposed to be a bad society,a trash in the society and always hurt themselves to seek for attention.. no.. emo and goth hurt themself never even thought of that...they want to feel something because their heart is already numb.. that why all their artwork look and feel so heavy,sad and dark....
as for me, hurting myself is to make myself focus on physical pain more than my inner pain (feeling and mental pain) and train myself so that i won't scared of physical pain that much..

but then, i didn't cut myself since last August ( which means i have a issue from march to August which sums up as 5 months) because after i did that i still cannot conquer most of the physical pain that i still have to face in the future..... but that doesn't mean i'm have getting away from goth...

becoming a goth doesn't have to be always sad.... guess what? happy goth exists! even some goth are christian! like me! so i'm not to say that i'm a poser or pretend to be goth but i'm just a happy goth! being a happy goth is so much better than what i have done before because even other people look myself as a sad person, i know deep in my heart i have filled myself with happiness..not sadness anymore....

remember :
goth:
-don't always wear black
-don't worship satan
-are not evil
-do not want to kill anybody
-do not hate people
-are not always depressed
-can be happy too
-are usually nice people
-are normal, just like you (^^)

my dark life

2008-01-05T03:29:00.000+08:00

this blog i will say what really my heart want to say and i admit that i am emotional this blog...

i have started to hurt myself by using a metal ruler i always thought the world is against me.... 424+ including self stapling onto my arm... if you ask me why this is the answer i will give you:

relief from mental pain, tension relief, experiencing feelings or the lack of them, the need to "feel" something .Many people have difficulty understanding self abuse, and think folks who cut, do it for attention, not so.

well that happens when I'm in the start of form 4 which is last year... March i think.. when the day i got my report book and fought with my bro(which until now i still don't have a drop of regret in me because i have been his dog since when I'm small until now and how i feel great that i have released from his chain that has been locking me away from freedom)

from that time i never trust anybody in my family..even my mom.. she always say 'your brother loves you but he just express it in a wrong way'.. look i don't care about he loves me or not! for me, i just don't care what she says because my mind is covered in unforgiveness,rage and defensive attitude...

every time i came back from the school i try to isolate myself from my family by going to my room and stay there throughout the day and night... personally for me it is very good because my grades has increased in the mid term from isolating myself in the room...

talk about the school, a new student came last year and his name is qze ming. he came from heng ee and he could mix well with everybody....except me.. why? i don't know .. maybe my friends neglect me because they can know a new student and just push me aside like a dummy and be forgotten... even though some of them do stand beside me but what's the use? sooner or later they'll still dump me into a trash can or something..

until now, things has changes to a brighter condition for me but darkness is still in my heart overcome all the light that i have.. i have been able to friends with them again, met some people that i should meet them a long time ago and my study is still increasing....

right now i'm still an audience of the world... watching people's problem and try to help them.. hope that they will not fall down to my unclimbable hole ... and wishing them have a good life while i watch as they pass on to their life and i will stay in the darkness to help to community... there are reason for me to dwell in the darkness and one of them is to help people to get away from it.. and the other one is:

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a Light has shined." Isaiah 9:2

do you agree with me? ^^

the first day of school

2008-01-05T00:02:00.001+08:00

well... 3/1/2008 will be our first day of our school...

when i woke up.. oh wait.. yeah yeah.. i do slept but only for 2 hours because i slept from 6 to 10 and cannot sleep already haha!!! after that i cooked some noodle but later vomit at 4 a.m. (sob sob.. all the food..)..

later when i go to school i went straight to our future class which at second floor and man how i wait to have our own classroom!! as soon i went there and i saw Jeremy cheah having his head bald!! i thought he was just playing a fool at msn but after he told me i just think that he had cut his hair somewhere 1 month before but when i go to school i saw him completely bald and i am little bit shocked (he said he want to turn over the new leaf so i think as a friend we must support him right?)

later when we must go down for assembly and our principal came and gave a speech. it makes me furious when he said we still must pay for the service charge which is RM45 (like dude, we don't need to pay for fees and that's fine but pay for service charge??!! and not to mention plus the school magazine! screw that guy..)

after that disappointment comes another one and that is our class has changed to another class where we still must share with the afternoon session!! what's more with the worst class in form 1 and it is 1 kembara!! dude! what the fuck this is??!! aren't we suppose to go there which as same as our seniors last year? why you put us in a place where it is the closest to the toilet (i had to admit it is quite good because we can see most of the upper six students especially girls walk by.. ^^)

this is very bad for me because sometimes i want to do my homework at school and i don't want to chased out from my class!! still we have to be the ass-licker's student and follow whatever shit he commands us... always said 'if you don't want to study here you're allowed to get out from the school and there is a lot of students coming in.'... if he could say that why didn't he say what kind of students will be coming here? surely it will be not any smart students right? maybe all the 'lot of students' refers to the juvenile kids!!

and lastly, what's so smart about kicking 4 or 5 students out from the school last year?!( and it is somewhere at the last day of the school!!) it's not like you'll get 'the best student kicker in the year' award or something!! never and i mean NEVER ever threaten a student because if you do that, nobody will ever respect you as a teacher! couldn't they tell that students have this kind of problem because they're hurt in some place in their life??!! fuck each and everyone of them!

there are 2 thing that i want for this year and that is having the new class A.S.A.P. and get the fuck out from this school even though i won't meet my friends... oh wait.. i don't think this worth the sacrifice..maybe i could just be his pet until the time comes for me to get my SPM results! and after that, i don't even want to think what will happen later on....

good times in the birthday party

2008-01-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

it is quite excited to write a blog since it is my first time so.. this would be the first in one of my most memorable thing in my life and i want to share it to the public..

this party is held by me and few of my friends for the birthday party for our friends who have born in december which is Ernie and Fang Hoong.some of the objectives is to get closer of our relationship within our friends and having a freaking good time be crazy and wild!!

the first thing we did is of course setting the party! which not really put up some balloons or making a big banner but taking all things that is essential to the party up to Elvin's house,spray some cream to the cheap but tasty cake and marinate the chicken ( me and jun yu did it!!!).

while we're waiting for the birthday boys to come, we just chatting some crap, getting the bbq ready near the poolside and play some console(which is ps2 or xbox...) games...

yep.. kee wai and Filip is playing WWE alright..

still the same thing but i quietly capture the pic... hehehehe..

when all our friend has came,which sum up all of the people including us is:
1.me(Matthew) of course!
2.Elvin a.k.a. chan hong
3.Alex a.k.a. hin chong
4.Filip
5.Jeremy hong
6Ernie the birthday boy
7.Alvin a.k.a. fang hoong also the birthday boy
8Cayton
9.jun yu
10.kee wai
11.keat tatt who is the latest wan(hehe..)
12.Eberly which is fang hoong's girlfriend
13.jismine ( fang hoong's niece i think...)
14.wen huey who is chan hong's good friend or gf...

so the participants quite little but at least we still have a lot of fun!!
so the first thing we do when we go to the bbq area ... well set a fire of course! me and cayton are doing at the left side while alex and kee wai are doing the right side. at first we tried to make a fire but it seems me and cayton has make it in a wrong way because there is no..um.. base i think.. it is suposed to have a tray like the one alex and kee wai are making the fire on it. but me and cayton knows that so we take the lit up charcoal and put it on alex's side for theirs is successful (alamak.. waste energy and time nia me and cayton.....)

when the fire's up, we cook the foods which is the marinated chicken and some hot dogs!! some compliment for the chicken that me and jun yu have made and also some spaghetti that Filip's mom has made it for us (mm....YUMMY!!!!)

and i ask his mom on how to make a good bbq chicken and she said:
1.little 7up
2.lime
3.soy sauce
4.salt
5.sugar
6.mix it all and leave it overnight
note: if you want to try it just follow the recipe ( wa lau i like chef la hehe ^^...)

the white shirt is kee wai, me the fat wan, filip,ernie and alex(though his face is kinda hard to see..)

little bit blur but ok la.. ok ok... from left: Kee Wai,Jeremy, Cayton, me, Chan Hong, Filip,Ernie and Alex

after we ate the dinner we have started to to switch on our craziness button!! first we dump all the corn flour to everybody and then dump them into the pool!!! oh baby.. do we have fun!! and when it's my turn to get dump into the pool they need at least 4 or 5 people to carry me!! but then kee wai slipped and luckily for me kee wai is my broke my fall (as in make fall less painful.. or something like that la) because he is bottom of me!! ouch.. imagine a 100kg weight fall on you.....ow........ and Ernie also hurt bad too and injured his back! ouch!!! but in the end we still have tonnes of fun!!

after we have took our bath we decided to go to the 'mamak' store opposite of chan hong's apartment and have some supper even though we are still full but we're thirsty ma..

and then we go to the beach near there and celebrate our friend's birthday by give them the creamed cake.at first when we go there we must wait for alex and chan hong for the cake so we dance a little while. when the cake has come the birthday boys have to play a game which is.... TAKE ALL THE TWISTIES FROM THE CAKE WITHOUT USING YOUR HANDS!! but The Wise Ernie knew something is gonna happen by looking the way we looks...(veryyyy clever....) but he didn't care (he still do but decided to play the game anyway) and fang hoong also the same by deciding to play the game and then when they're playing....WHAM!!! CREAM ON THEIR FACE!!!! WOO HOO!! DO WE GET THEM!! everybody was laughing until we saw fang hoong has a breathing difficulty because of the cream.. and when we have help him clean the cream for the face we play again!! and Ernie is the worst victim because he get another 2 cream shots!!muahahaha!!! after that we went home and washed their face ( and no we didn't splashed water on them but we really wish!!!!).

at night they are watching ' I Am Legend'. it was kinda syok but when there is the scene when will smith is trying to avoid his canine friend (dog) biting him when it has been infected by the virus, Jeremy said that he is having trouble with constipation( kek sai) and he said ' ugh.. wanna come out de!...argh!! almost... oomph! oh yeah baby...'(roughly translated from hokkien) like dude! we laugh our socks off man!!! after watching the show i decided to go to sleep because i feel quite sick from inhaling the bbq smoke when we're making the fire.. most of them went to the internet cafe and play dota and some of them juz stay at home play "wwe raw vs smackdown' in ps2....

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz........

after we all (or most of us where some of them didn't slept) woke up we go and have breakfast which is a delicious noodle cooked by chan hong's mom ( i dunno why his mom's noodle is sooo goood!!! i ate at least 4 bowls (of course little wan la) of the noodle!!)..

after that we went back home. Ernie, alex and me going back with alex's dad drove us home!

there are some of the memorable happening i have when i'm 16 but i purposely done this because this has inspired me and one of my friend that has a blog also give me and idea to do this. hehe..